in her secret life


September 2016


“I am strong”, that I thought.

And when you loosen our knot,

Still, “I’m fine”.

But now I know it is the biggest lie.

How can I be fine if every night I cry?

How can I be fine if the only wish I need is to die?

How can I be fine if I am no different to a blind?

How can I be fine if I am unable to try?

You’re here-

I’m there-

And our love is shattered everywhere.

I’m not fine at all, are you aware?


Silence killed us in a blink of eyes.

Memories were buried and left unfound.

Kisses and hugs and hands holding tight _

all being consumed in a black hole.

What’s left is a hollow

in my trembling heart.


You ran away to our promised land

and you met me in my runaway to the land we promised.

Hurriedly took me to your place,

up to the attic-

where all the stars and moon collide-

and all the deeply buried memories woke up.


Kisses and hugs and hands holding tight-

coming back lively like an angry wave

going hungry for kissing the shore

as if you never did before.



You’ve tried to hide from me lately,

leaving me alone with one question:

“What is happening to you?”

Do you know?

It’s not comfortable not knowing anything

as if you disappeared from my world

to live in your world.

I didn’t understand clearly

Every time you told me that

you were holding me close,

but still I seemed to be too far,

beyond your reach.

But sadly, it’s now my reach that you went beyond.

And I just simply cannot move on.


Do you remember?

Us lying on the morning green grass,

looking up to the sky.

My tiny fingers reached out-

trying to catch the sun while he was shinning bright up high.

An airplane crossed by,

leaving a trail of smoke dividing the blue sky.


And the fluffy white clouds…ah yes,

do you remember?

in all shapes: a dragon, a face, or an unknown monster.

We laughed harder and harder.

The sun up high was shinning brighter and brighter,

more than ever.


She appeared to me in your stories

as fragile as a wine glass-

that could be broken and fractured easily

with just a touch of hands.

But what I saw in her

when we secretly exchanged our looks for each other,

is a brave girl who is

beautiful, smart, passionate-

and loving you with a whole heart of hers.

I’m not sure if she’s your blessing or curse;

but she deserves to be treasured

as long as you could still love her.

Stay with her, cut the rope and let me go.

I’m giving up on you, the man – the story untold.

Let our chapter fold…


In the cloak of night, under old pine trees-

you said you would find me

“3 years later, I will cross the seas”,

whispered you gently.

But please, please!

Can you not find me?-

after you hurt my heart so cruelly

Came back to her and left me alone in the trees;

night cloaked on pieces of me.


My misery,

my tragedy,

please don’t find me.

Free me!


Last night, we were together-

You, I and her.

We talked so damn naturally-

as if nothing had happened,

and our memories had been just a hollow in time.

She’s still your girl and you’re still hers.

Your fingers entwined;

your head leaned on her small shoulders.

Just like a perfect loving couple-

naturally without any struggles.

Suddenly I realized I had been cruel,

torturing my heart for a person who can never be mine.


“I remember your number, why can’t you?”, he asked.

“I remember my number either”, she laughed.

She is dumb at numbers;

and she’s never tried to get smarter.

She knew she was helpless and he had to accept.

“Don’t expect too much on me”, she smiled


He sighed and kissed her gently.

“Ironically, now I remember your number;

but I cannot call you, until forever”.

Tears fell rigorously when she deleted his number.


He and she was a history of No.5

First night,

she was shy;

he smiled –

everything seemed just so right

And…suddenly came the last goodbye

when the sky was no longer bright,

and they could no longer try.

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